Share
Experts say you should share your story. Oprah is also saying you should share your story (or at least her producers are, and so are producers for Tyra, Dr. Phil and "Deal or No Deal"). You have the power to make millions of Cheeto-munching trailer-park sloths very, very happy. And that's beautiful.
SPEARING OUR WORLD
Create Empowering Feelings
There's nothing quite so satisfying as the simple thrill of sophomoric revenge. For example, you might call up the execs at Mr. Federline's label and get him dropped. And do it quick, before they get the idea.
Hook-Up Fast
What gets ex dude residue out of your hair? New dude residue. And it just so happens there are plenty of eligible celebrities who also double as arm candy. Didn't Justin recently say he still loves you? But really. Love? Whatever. This is about scrubbing that KFed off your bumper like crusty pigeon crap.
Write
Release a book of poems. There's no time in your life when the public at large will forgive you more for a book of bad poetry. So if you always wanted to, just get it out of your system like a nasty case of the clap and move on. And don't forget what rhymes with Federline ... um, wait ... er ... strychnine?
Don't Dwell on the Past
You have better things to do than worry about what went wrong. And it's not like you're going to turn on the TV and every channel will have retrospectives on your marriage blaring. Um, don't turn on the TV.
Visualize a Healthy Lifestyle
Visualizing a healthy lifestyle is the biggest step toward having one. But let's face it, you're a pop star. It may be more realistic to visualize a healthy bank account. Especially if Kev's getting 10 mill for two years of work. Replenish that cash pronto. You've got KFed support to consider.
Consider a Makeover
You might want to start exercising more to improve your self-esteem. Make surprise guest appearances on talk shows. Oh, wait. Check that. Never mind.
Hold A Divorce Ceremony
This can be a meaningful way of tying a bow on your relationship, or knotting a tourniquet on a hemorrhaging aorta. Embrace your new life with an intimate ceremony. If you need, do it more than once. Or make it a tour. "The KFed Kickoff Clambake"? Where do we get tickets!?
For More Wisdom and Laughs
