Broken Stories: News of the Weird
Nude Teens Battle in Brattleboro
Romping around nude might have been a stone gas for mom and dad, but if today's kids try to drop trow, there's gonna be trouble. In Brattleboro, VT, a town that has clothing-optional swimming holes and an annual "Breast Fest" parade, the youngins seem to be taking advantage of the town's groovy nature by taking it all off.
First, it started with some foxy mama letting it all hang out on a public bench and now the trend has spread like crotch-less panties from the local parks to restaurants, cafes and bookstores. (Naked bookworms?) Look, kids, if God wanted you to walk around naked he wouldn't have made Wal-Mart. (And even if Sam Walton isn't God he's probably just as rich.) The town board has decided against a city ordinance banning public nudity and is instead calling on that grand dame who can put a damper on any freewheeling love-in, Mother Nature. When it gets cold, say city council members, we'll see who's putting their heinie on ice. One outstanding question remains: Do you need tickets for this "Breast Fest"?Other Mystifying Tales
The Government Pants Patrol
First it was race, then gender, and sexual orientation -- now a new, exciting frontier has been found in discrimintation: pants. A new dress code in the U.S. agency that purportedly protects government workers from discrimination says women should avoid tight pants. But what's even more surprising is that it didn't mention "Sally." Let's face it, we all know she loves the polyester stretch waistbands more than skunks love 7-Eleven burritos and the effect is well, as one water-cooler correspondent said: "Like a balloon filled with rice pudding."
Police Chief fired for Plus-Sized Porn wife
When Synder, OK, Police Chief Tod Ozmun resigned recently because of the firestorm over his 300-pound wife appearing on a pornography site with only an American Flag draped over her, who do you think he blamed? His wife? Nah, he said "People in this country do what she does on a daily basis ... It's absolutely ludicrous. Makes no sense at all."
Did he blame himself? "My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds ... If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to." He blamed, yep, the media. "This has turned into a media circus ... I don't feel like me staying in office is going to benefit my department or my staff. This has turned into a mess. This is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous." What is the problem with those small-minded reporters who can't respect the willingness of Doris Ozmun to show how much she loves America by adorning her zaftig bosom with its flag?Ford Hails the Flying Car Age
What is business etiquette coming to when someone named Ford can be fired from being the head of Ford Motors?
So what if William Clay Ford was turning the automobile giant into an also-ran for Japan and pissing on Henry Ford's grave? That's what descendents do: They get coke habits and piddle away the family fortune. (Not that we're pointing any fingers.)Obviously, Ford Motor Company is so deep in the toilet they see only one way to rise out: The Flying Car. That's why they've hired Alan Mulally, the top executive at the aerospace giant Boeing, to be the company's new president and CEO. Get Your Chitty On!Kelly C. Rocks Out
American Wild Child
Kelly Clarkson gets her drink on in L.A. and sings 'Sweet Child O' Mine' on our Funny Music Videos Page.